Think about the title for a while, what things are important for you to do or to be in order to have self-worth? If I phrase the question this way, doesn’t it sound a little odd? Of course many of the answers to this question might be in your unconscious mind. If you have to do something for your worth, then somehow a program is running your life. It becomes so automatic that we forget that the computer programs are running on Windows 95.
Now let’s see some common answers are that I have gotten:
- Being a good person
- Being a good father
- Being a responsible person
- Making sure others are alright
- Winning arguments
- Help others, be kind, be loving, etc
Well, the list goes on and on. Do you notice the problem with these answers? It is all based on stuff you have to do. How big is your list of should’s? When you can’t do these things anymore due to a disease or something, you lack the possibility to comply with your mental picture of eventually (never) reaching self-worth. We come from a society where worth is based on accomplishments, but is this natural? Are we a human doing or a human being?
Obviously the man that wants to be a good person, does not feel that he is a good person. He has an internal to-do list that in his mind might give him self-worth. But if he is really honest, the feeling of unworthiness never disappears. He will always need to do a little more to become a good person. Who wants to be a millionaire? Someone who feels he is broke. Who wants to please others? Someone who needs pleasing themselves.
The problem when you are sick is that you can’t meet your mind’s standards anymore. Leaving you behind with your familiar unworthy feeling. You can’t escape (fight or flight) from the feeling any longer. Maybe in a way this is the purpose of disease, to feel what was already there. Do you feel guilt because you can’t meet your own standards any longer? An emotion can only come because of a (negative) belief-system. In this case, you believe you are unworthy. (clue: most of us feel unworthy)
First of all, feel the emotion of guilt. Then explore the feeling of unworthiness. What does it mean? Feel it in your body as well. This takes time; grounding, calming down, going offline, doing a body scan and some Yoga Nidra to rebuild a connection with your body.
Imagine you are the inner-child, an emotional wound inside of you that is not processed. You still act and feel as if you were a child that was in an emotionally difficult moment or period. You live in the body of this “adult”. The adult always runs away from you, by trying to be a good person for others, providing for others, etc. You see this “adult” as your parent. But she is always prioritising others. How does that make you feel? Unworthy, right? So in this case, the coping mechanism of trying to be a good person, causes the feeling itself. This is a negative loop.
A loop based on stress, suppressing emotions in the body and eventually getting sick. When you are sick, you can’t do it anymore. You need other distraction strategies to avoid the inner pain. This will resemble the fight or flight mode. You can use a social media addiction that gives you the necessary dopamine kick to keep running away from the feeling. Until you can’t open your eyes any longer.
A child needs love and guidance from their adults. Unfortunately most of them are unable to give it to their children. A child copies the same behaviour as the adults or is being told to do something. The child complies, in the hope to receive the much needed love. Over time the child becomes meaner to their own emotions and feelings and automatically flees into “inner parent coping dialogues and behaviour”.
The irony is that we keep on treating ourselves the same way as our adults did who caused the emotional issue in the first place. Didn’t your parents reject your emotional pain just like you are rejecting it now yourself? Humans are very mean to themselves if you look at it that way. This is why I feel self-hatred in most people. Will you pass this behaviour over to your children?
In my coaching sessions, I can guide you to face the root cause of all the distress. Unfortunately we did not only suppress one emotion, but thousands of them. One way to heal the emotional body is to find the emotion and resolve it. Another way is to stop the fight or flight behaviour.
And with each conscious choice you make, you will need to do less and less to be a worthy human. You are closing programs, and slowly changing your operating system to inner peace.